raeg about lurve

I'm going to rant about love because rewriting A River Sutra essay made me want to kill myself with all the BSing.

Ok, Love isn't like some romantic comedy, dammit. You do not look at someone and automatically decide you love them. It takes TIME to work out a relationship. It takes time to become friends, to become something more. And after that, your not even sure you can go farther. If you really fall in love, it's not just by looking and deciding it. It does not take a fucking week. It takes REAL TIME to do so. I know they always portray those whirlwind romances and shit. Where she falls in love with just one trip together by happy coincidence.

So romantic. [/sarcasm]. It takes alot of time to make a relationship work, and sometimes even that doesn't work. And being in love and having fallen once does not guarantee happiness. Because fuck, I know someone like that, and she's still probably fucking bitter. You know what it takes.

BACKBONE. It takes someone saying "enough is enough" and getting the fuck out of there, getting on with your life. It takes someone saying "I won't give you the satisfactory of taking all the happiness I'll have for the rest of my life. Goodbye". Sometimes you just have to do it, leave. Cause you know it's going nowhere. Not because you love another boy or some shit like that. Because you KNOW. No amount of damn work will fix it.

You know what would be a great date? Just sitting at home, watching a movie with the person you love while chatting. Baking cookies. Playing Video games. Having a bowling battle. Lots of damn average things.

Blah, I hate how some people betray love. I may have never felt it, but I know when you've got it wrong. Perhaps it's up to interpretation or whatever, but when you've got it wrong, I mean FUCKING wrong.

freaking ouuuuut

WARNING: MAJOR COLLEGE FREAKOUT, SO SORRY. I NEED TO START RANTING OR I'M GOING TO DIE.

So yeah, I dunno it's surreal thinking that someone else in the world is applying early decision to your same obscure major at a school. wtf wtf wtf. D:. I'm so nervous. What if I don't get in?!?!?!

And this one person said they found out if they got accepted or not on DECEMBER 5TH. OHGOT THAT'S JUST WAY TO CLOSE.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Thanksgiving was catty

Watching Chocolat, so I'll make this brief as possible.

Thanksgiving was awesome. Good food, really lazy... sitting around doing a puzzle, reading MLIA / reading books, chasing the cats around. I was a little sad, cause my favorite cat in the whole world, bear, passed away a year ago, with the bad cat food thing. I wish I could've known, I loved him so much. He was so chubby and cute and I just loved him. D':.

Yeah, so I found a new one of my favorite book. Chocolat. It's such a nice story. Like a fairytale. Which is why I'm watching the movie now, haha. Although Roux name doesn't make sense in the movie, since Johnny Depp doesn't have red hair. :/.

But I love the atmosphere, the themes, the characters... BWAAAAAAAAAAAAH. <3

Btw. VIKING WARRIOR IS SO DEPRESSING, WHAT THE HELL. IT'S TEEN FICTION, STOP BEING SO DEPRESSING. It's even more depressing than fight club, wtf. D:

AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.

Watching GI Joe. So mindlessly action. I love pointing out the plot holes. <3. Nostalgia critic has taught me very well. :3. Tee hee hee.

Seriously, snake eyes? Totally awesome. I love his kick ass powers. I'm jealous cause I really want that kind of athletic. Haha, but this movie has soooo many amazing action cliche's. I love it. 8D.

GAH I LOVE SNAKE EYES. And Channing Tatum. Teehee, he's so adorable. But he plays like. All military guys. And military guys aren't quite dorky enough D':. And he's married too. But he's a dancer HAHAHAHA.

Teehee this movie is so lame. I love it. I want to see snake eyes face. D':.

AND DAMMIT BARONESS ISN'T QUITE AS AWESOME AS IN THE TV SERIES. D:. NO ACCENT AND SHE HAS SO MANY DAMN TIES. -____-;. And he starts developing a conscious reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy late in the movie. It's dumb.

Ok well that's enough of GI Joe ranting, haha, XD

Random quotes :D

And every heartache makes you stronger, but it won't be much longer.
You'll find love, you'll find peace, and the you you're meant to be.
I know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day you will.

There's always going to be an occasional night
when you break down and cry, because you
know things will never be the same.
Turn up the radio and sing your lungs out.
Cause kid, this is it, and this is all it ever will be.
So get used to it, suck it up and just live your life.

I just think happiness is what makes people pretty.
Period. Happy people are beautiful.

Sometimes you just feel empty, lonely, insignificant. And it doesn’t matter
what you do, no it doesn’t matter how many laps you run, musicals you join,
classes you skip or how many pairs of shoes you buy - you still feel like crap.
Sometimes I just feel like taking off, selling everything I own and running
away to somewhere so distant, running away into the unknown

So don't let the world bring you down.
Not everyone here is
that fucked up and cold.
Remember why you came and
while you're alive,
experience the warmth before you grow old.

My thoughts tend to sound better in books I didn't write, and in the songs
I didn't sing. Even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song,
no work of art that can really explain the way you feel. There is a
double-edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows.

Life takes your dreams and turns them upside down; people talk about you
when you're not around. People make promises they just can't keep, and I've
come to realize that talk is cheap. Too often we don't realize what we have until
it's gone; too often we wait too long to say "I'm sorry, I was wrong." Sometimes
it seems we hurt the ones we hold dearest to our hearts,
and we allow foolish things to tear our lives apart.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

And the secret is,
this will hurt less and less each time.

Until you can't feel a thing.

Sometimes you just have to turn your back
and walk away, whether you're walking out
on your friends, or the love of your life. Sometimes letting go
and moving on is the hardest thing to do,
but the best thing in the end.

don't think I don't think about it.

Washington again. Bah, I had to swim an hour today. D':. I really want to go ice skating though... Dx. My bro doesn't want to go though. So that's no fun... but maybe I can get him too. And the stupid light in the room isn't working. D:. waaaah.

Made spaghetti with minimal help today! Yayyyy. Although I still needed some help. I think I overcooked the spaghetti a little, but life goes on. :X. I fail so hard though. D: bah.

I'm so immature it's a crime.
I'll laugh at all the inappropriate things.
Like love.
Just thinking about it makes me giggle.
Perhaps I'll be prone to this forever.
Forever blissfully naive.
Maybe if I'm that lucky.
Or unlucky.
I don't know what to think.
I just can't take lines like
"I love you"
seriously anymore.
Maybe I'm too far gone.
Maybe if I'm that lucky.
Or maybe someone will change that.
(I hope not.)

FEMINISM CRYS. D:

Up in washington for Thanksgiving. We drove through snow! It was sooo cold / still is cold outside. In the 30's! It's crazyy. D:. But good food - good fatty food. Apple Cobbler, Omlettes, French Dip sammich. Yummyyyy. I also had a raspberry shake, but it wasn't that good. Too artificial. D:

So yeah, I'm watching JFK conspiracy specials on Discovery. GOD I love that channel. Mythbusters <3. I also watched Man v. Wild. Which is freggin insane. Erggggg, eating rattlesnake or scorpion.... EWWWWW. Dx. Bah humbug.

So yeah, I'm reading The Master and Margarita right now... and it was getting kinda heavy. So I started reading Destiny's Embrace, by Suzanne Elizabeth, some bad harlequinn novel lying around the cabin. And... omg my eyes.

Wow, I mean... at first it wasn't too bad. The main character was witty and intersting, and I really liked the bantering between her and the guy. And then the book goes OMGSEXYTIEM on you and she loses all coolness. Jeezus Christ am I ashamed of her. She just gives herself to him! What the hell. You spend the first part of the book building up a character, and then the author goes "Naaaaaaaaaah, let's make this completely ridiculous. UNSPOKEN ATTRACTION TEEHEEHEEE." Ok, I'm fine with that stuff. But at least build the attraction up more than omg she's hot. I mean they try to make it SEEM like it isn't but they fail. Terribly. Oh, and how all the characters are so accepting of their relationship and shit? Dear lord. It was 1879. I don't CARE how liberal you were back then, that's still very UNLIKELY that'd you trust someone enough to take them into your home / have sexytiems without being married. e_____e.

UIHERHTKJERTBREYTY. I mean the character was such a strong character. And then bam. Now she's putty in his hands and damn useless, needing saving. :. Gosh darnit.

<3 assassin's creed 2. xD

Yeah, it's been pretty busy. I did ok at the swim meet. I did drop time in the 200 breast and the 400 IM. But I feel kind of guilty that I'll be gone from practice all next week cause of break. Up in washington to visit my dad's family. Mostly my grandma and grandpa noel. I don't wanna tell coach, but I know I'll have to... lesigh.

OMG ASSASSIN'S CREED 2 LOOKS SO GODDAMN AWESOME. O__O. Watch the trailer if you have time. It's insane. :0

welp, off to work. tata. :X

Can't feel a thing?

THIS WEEKEND SHALL BE THE DEATH OF ME. WISH ME LUCK: I HAVE A SWIM MEET TOMORROW AND SUNDAY, HAVE A CASE BRIEF TO WORK ON IN GOV SINCE I'M A LAWYER ON ABORTION WITH THE SUPREME COURT, COLLEGE APPS, AP ART HISTORY CARDS...
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I descend into my own paranoia sometimes.
I'm scared that you'll leave me.
You'll forget about me
I know, that can't happen
in a week.
But you're going back
What if?
I am quite forgettable.
Even though I am assured I'm not.
I feel as if I am.
Maybe it's best if you do.
I have no heart to give
but I remember how to feel.
I think I'm kind of like a nobody
like that.
And it's just I'm scared
that you'll leave me behind
more than anything.
Nobody's don't feel.
Nobody feels.
No body.
No.

If you only knew.

Yay day off tommorrow!! :). So excited. Even though I have to wake up early. Boo hoo. D:. Practice at 7:15 at RA. :. Thanks Dan. mucho gracias. Especially that pool. Ew. Dx.

It's nice to feel something, you know? Being conflicted again. Even though some thoughts haunt me to no end. Or maybe that was just last night. I dunno, last night was frustrating. Couldn't sleep til midnight. :<.

I mean it's not a nice feeling. I guess. It depends really on which one. The regret and the worrying, oh yeah that's annoying, but that's ok. At least I'm sort of feeling negative emotion again.

But well... it's just I like someone, ok? It's hard to admit I guess. I wish I could elaborate, but I'd rather not. But I will say, he's adorable. And I adore him as a friend. So I don't really care what happens. Just as long as he doesn't leave. :P.

Not love, probably never will be. I'm not fickle. Too logical for my own good, I think.

Watch out for the flying desks.

LOL, M*A*S*H. "I think I just got turned off permanently." XD. Oh Hawkeye, what a chap. And the pick up lines they told the poor new nurse? I don't understand how she seemed so flattered, haha. I was facepalming at all of them though. And also laughing. Poor chaps. And I know how to cheat at boxing now. GET THE ETHER, STAT. :D

So I finished everything yay~. 4 1/2 page essay on A River Sutra when Scruggs asked it to be 2-3. LULZ I FAIL SO HARD. And it's about love. I had ALOT OF FUN writing the sarcastic and mean stuff about love. And then I had to do the 2nd paragraph. Ohgod that was painful spitting out such bullshit about love. I couldn't concentrate on it since I was so... yuckkkk. D:

Oh it's not I don't like love. It's all fine and dandy. But I so love making fun of it. So writing stuff that's so positive... D:. It makes me sadface.

Now excuse me while I go read some ANGSTY ASH MISTY. Ohwow, it's so funny. XD SHE DIED AND NOW I CAN'T LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE WITHOUT YOOOOOOOOOOOU. HAHAHAHAHA

Lost and insecureee~

I've been way too happy lately! Time for a rather emo post~
... after telling you what I did today, huhuh.

So I helped out my bro in his eagle project in the canyon. It was hard work, but it was ok. Finished it all today, so I'm pretty free tomorrow! Yay!! I'm excited, haha. Not really, I finished my APAH card, but haven't studied them. And I'm on my 1st body paragraph. Blaaaaaaah. D:

So yeah depressing shit.

I dunno, I guess I'm just worried about college. Not getting in or anything. But... adjusting. I've rarely had to go and make entire new group of friends. What am I going to do when I go to college and meet people I don't know, and even... make friends?? The truth is too hard to bear. I'm scared I'm going to be so unbearably lonely.

I'm not a terribly social person. So what am... what am I going to do? I don't know, what do I do, what do I do...

... Looking back I shouldn't have done anything. I should of shut myself off before I could screw that shit up. I should of told myself to wait. Maybe you'll feel something more, a hopeful voice would say. Maybe you'll learn to do so.

And then I wake up.

I did what I did because I hate lying to the people I care about on how I feel. I don't care how many people I hurt. If I know something's wrong, then I'm going to voice what I think. If I don't want to talk about it, I won't. But when I say my feelings, I mean everything that I say.

I won't say "I love you" if I don't mean it. Some people will. To make people happy. I think I want to kill them for ridding the value of such a wonderful word. I'm tired of people who just give up for other people's happiness. That's how I got into that situation. Because I wanted to make someone HAPPY. And then I realized making them "happy" wasn't going to make me happy. So I got off that cloud rather quickly. I did what I did.

I'm sorry I'm so selfish. I'm sorry that I know when lying to others just makes them more unhappy. That I won't just sit by and think "Oh things will change."

Things don't change unless you make them so.

HAHAHAHAHA, I started on one rant and moved to another. INCONSISTENTTTTT. xD

getty villa awesome!

OMG, the Cal Poly password was such a pain in the ass. I want to kill things, it was so bad. Plus my printer hates me, YAYYY.

So busy this weekend; A River Sutra Essay due & APAH test on Monday, Assignment notebook due Tuesday, and volunteer days of 9-4 for tomorrow and Sunday! Ahhh the stress!

Well, the field trip was awesome. Soooo pretty. I was in Scruggs group again!! Tee hee, awesome. Watched Zoolander on the way up. Such a dumb movie, but I love it, haha. MAGNUM LOOKKKK. It's a beautiful area with some extremely exquisite pieces. Chimera of Arezzo and Getty Bronze were there! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah! Lol at Will, Karl, Courtney & Legarlin dressing in togas. And the Discobolus pose, haha. Roshan breaking the popcorn discobolus, and the group picture. Roshan lifting up his shirt and going "SPRING BREAK!" XD. God, so fun. I love my WHAP and APAH class. :X

Welp, gotta work! tata!

into the hurricane~

Finished A River Sutra. OMG IT BLEW MY MIND. D:. The ending was like... OMGWTFBBQ. And then everything made sense. Wow. My mind is still reeling. What the heck. Omg omg omg omg.

Ok. Yeah. FIELD TRIP TOMORROW. SOOOO EXCITED I GET TO MISS GOV. XD. And going with my class? Fun stuff. I'll probably end up fangirling. Tee hee.

Man, We have a take home essay due for A River Sutra. I'm still not sure what to do it on. I could do it on love, but that's so... TYPICAL. D:. Man.

... TEE HEE FIELD TRIPPPP.

take it back, take it back~

Man, my whole body aches. Hard practice today. :<. blah, and I got morning practice. Oh well, I chose this sport. Got to make the sacrifices in order to do it. I really dislike daylights savings, since now I have to drive home in the dark. :/. But well I like autumn and winter. Although I do wish it would be a white christmas for once in my life. But I digress.

Watched the pilot episode of M*A*S*H. Sooo funny, haha. Actually, old shows can be pretty hilarious. Actually old shows in general are really funny. Watch some Golden girls. It's about 4 old ladies, but MAN do I adore that show. So funny. xD.

Welp, tata for now. Gotta go dream up a different world. ;D

last call, lost cause

Halloween was bunches of funnn. Went to Bando party and trick or treated for like an hour and a half. I GOT CRAYONS AND A SPIDER RING. TEE HEE HEE. AWESOMEEEE. Then we went back and watched Eight Legged Freaks. As much as I'm scared of spiders, it was actually very very humorous. We barely paid attention, and were pointing out all the untrue stuff about it and stuff. GG old man with pitchfork. And sheriff with chainsaw and token crazy black guy. :D

Then we watched some of Nightmare before Christmas before I had to leave. Lulz, it was great fun. What an average halloween, (referring to MLIA).

Breathe in. Breathe out.
The night is filled with stars
which I can't see.
Is it weird that I won't wish
for anyone tonight?

Breathe in. Breathe out.
I'm too scared to get close to people.
I try to push them away.
Don't get too close
I warn myself.
Don't hurt anyone else.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Why am I so chipper
when there's nothing to be happy about?
Why do I find love
so hilarious?
My mind still reels at all
the differences I share.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.

What do I have to lose?
Breathe in. Breathe out.