Away from it

So life's going on as normal. I don't get shit in Physics, APUSH is boring, Calc doesn't make sense...

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching everyone live and nothing more. Like in a few moments I will wake up and I won't exist. I wonder how different things would be if that were so.

Or if I disappeared or got sick. Would anyone worry? Or would they go on with their daily lives as if nothing happened.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror; and when I can't see my eyes, just the lower half of my face, I don't believe it's me. Then when I look up, I realize it is. It's weird, watching your mouth move. Words come out, but they don't sound like their mind.

Like I'm disconnected from the rest of the world...

-shrugs-

DEAN DEAN.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR

So, let’s chat about boys: KAY.
Straight?: Yep.
Got a boyfriend?: HAHAHA NOES.
Are you allowed to date yet?: Yes. As long as my parents "approve" of him
Crushin’? : For a LONG time.
Does this person know?: Too Oblivious to notice.
Have you ever…
Slept by a boy outside of family?: Nah.
Hugged?: Most Definetly
Had a boy say “I love you” to you?: Not that I remember.
Been on a group date?: Define "date" and then define "group" XD
Been cheated on or cheated on them?: Psh, no.
Had a boy write/record a song and sing it for you?: HA HA. If anyone did, I'd laugh so hard.
Talked on the phone til the wee hours of dawn with a boy?: NO. I like mah beauty sleep. D;
Watched a sunset/sunrise with a boy?: ... with the guys at my swim practice... yes to both. XD
Taken pictures with a boy?: Sure.
Held hands with a boy?: No. XD
Been raped?: No.
Been to a boys house?: Yes.
In their room?: Yes. When we went to Boothead's to study. Lol, I miss his hat. D: <3
Talked to a boy online/email?: All the time.
Walked with your arms around a boy or vice versa?: Isn't that rather... awkward.
What color is your underwear?: A color in the rainbow.
What’s on your mind right now?: Bear. And winter formal.
What are you doing right now?: BREATHING. and talking to Dobby Tsui.
What did you do today?: Swam. Studied.
Have you done something bad today?: Sure.
Are you jealous of someone right now?: Not really.
What makes you happy most of the time?: Bear. -I'm pathetic too, Risu!-
What is your mood right now?: Mellowww.
Who do you want to see at this very moment?: Bear <3
Do you have a deep dark secret?: Maybe.
Do you hate someone right now?: No.
Is it easier to talk on MSN than in person?: No... xD
Do you like someone right now?: You already asked this.
Is it going anywhere with them?: I'd never know. XD. I'm far too oblivious with that sort of thing.
Did you answer all these questions honestly?: Yeah.
What are your plans for today?: TO GO TO BED
Describe your best friend in 3 words?: I lurves her. :D
Ever made out with more than one person in one night?: I've never kissed anyone. So no. I'd think not.
If so, were you wasted?: >>;
Whats your view on gay marriages?: NO ON PROP 8 DUDES.
Last time you smiled?: Right now.
Last time you kissed or hugged someone?: I hugged mah dad todai.
Last time you lied?: Who knows.
What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning?: I'd laugh. I'm sorry, but that's just so freaking cheesy.
Would you ever date an alcoholic/smoker?: NO WAI.
What can’t you go a day without?: OXYGEN.
What was the reason why you last laughed?: Twilightsucks.com Forum. The people there are made of win. And awesome.
Whats your view on Abstinence?: I don't really know what it is... XD
If someone asked you to think of someone who you love dearly, if that person you thought about was asked the same question, would they automatically think of you?: I don't know. Why don't you ask him? XD. But I doubt it. :P

Malls

Today was very enjoyable. Me, Dobby Tsui, Moya, Westberg and Risu went to the mall and tried on dresses and just did random stuff. It was great to do just nothing (well not nothing. You get what I mean.)

So yesterday I found a 20 dollar Borders gift card and 55 bucks in my room while cleaning it. Which made me LOL hard. Yays moneys :D

I want a dog. I thought I'd just say that. I love dogs. Especially big ones. Like Saint Bernards and Huskies. If I get a big dog, I'd like to name it Mr. Tadakichi. Freaking awesome dawg. XD.

Also. Plecos. Or as I call them, Algae Eaters. I love those fish. They're like mini sharks. I just want a tank with 3 of them. :D Aies Lurve Thems. :D

Ah sorry. I'm getting really sidetracked... Lol. xD

Funny.

Now that I think about it
It's really kind of funny.
At first
we were just footnotes in each others lives.
Just someone walking by
on the road of life
Someone in the picture
but not even looking directly
at the camera.
Then suddenly
One of us turned around.
I don't remember
who it was.
But someone did.
I don't know what happened
but suddenly you knew me
and I knew you.
It's funny
how friendship brings us together
but love drove us apart.
Here we are again
It's kind of odd, I can't
tell where we're going to go from here.
Will we finally hold hands
or just
walk away.
Become another face in the crowd.
All I know
is everyday, I'm glad
that there's someone there
that I can say
everything
and nothing
to.
All I pray
is that for one more day
that will not change.

WEH?

Ah yes. Amore. What would my teenage life be without it? (So much less complicated, that's for sure)

There are ups and downs of having a crush on one of your best (if not THE best atm) guy friend. Mostly downs.

Because I worry so much that our friendships going to die out like it did LAST time... Ugh. I mean we were great friends and then I had to go on and ruin EVERYTHING. I'm just starting to be his friend again... sigh.

D'wah. I don't feel like posting anymore. XD

Forever and Always?

Finals week is OVARRR. <3

So yeah. On Friday, me, Lontayo, Nicole, Risu and Sora hung out after school. Man, it was alot of fun. Talked about what's going on with drama and just about... everything. It was great to get some stuff out. But it's kind of embarassing that I'm the only one with a "crush"... even though it's been a really long time... e___e;

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. And why I just can't seem to get over him. I don't know, I don't. I just know that when he's around, I'm happy. I really don't like disecting every single feeling I have. Liking people is complicated enough. Why make it anymore confusing?

People always ask "What do you see in him?". Eh, my love is blind. I can't really explain it you know? I just... feel different around that person.

He's not some perfect person like "Edward" (LOL TWILIGHT REFERENCE?) ; he's got his flaws, he has his weaknesses. He is definetly no prince charming. But I'd rather be with him than any other boy. Besides, perfection is so... boring. XD

But do I want a relationship? Honestly, everyone does. But I won't take a chance on someone I don't feel at least a connection with. And even then... I don't know, It's just hard thinking of anyone asking me out. The only person I can think of accepting... I'd probably say no. I honestly don't think I'd be worth his time... >>;

I'm an honest person. I don't like lying to people about how I feel. If I dislike them, I will show it. If I like people, I will show it. I won't lie when I say "I love you", I don't LIE about I feel. That's another reason I'd reject alot of guys... Lying about your emotions is the worse kind of lying.

I tell people what I feel, even if they don't like it... maybe someday that will get me in trouble, but whatever.

So there's only one guy I like, don't know when I'll get over him, don't really care. He's completely oblivious and it seems like half the girls I know have a crush on him too. I know I have no chance but... well, that's life. He's my friend and that will never change. <3

NO ME GUSTA FINALS

I don't know how to start off this entry.

In the middle of finals week. I'm exhausted. Didn't get enough sleep last night... BLEHH...

Alot of relationSHIT going on. Seriously, so much that I want to PUKE. I can't stand going into the room because it's just so NASUEATING. I don't even care if I spelled that right. Everytime. Every single time I walk into that room now I can just TASTE it. It's disgusting...

Oh why oh why do we like to hurt so much?

There are other things going on, but I doubt they are as important at the moment.

So tired... -collapses on top of computer-

Time will tell

I was born alone.
Ridiculous as that sounds, I know it to be true.
I repel love like sunscreen repels sunburn.
There is no red string of fate tied around my hands,
I make my own way in the world
No one can decide what is to be my fate but me.

There are people in life whose hands I shake and hold
but not one which I eventually won't go.

Then I met you.

No. I did not suddenly realize what my life is missing.
Things like that only happen in terribly cliche movies.
We realize those sort of things much later, you know.
Things happen, we all know that.
And here we are again
at the beginning of something that started long ago.
Why do we even try?
It's almost like water and oil.
We can be great friends

but once you mix it together

everything

falls

apart.

Oh what will happen I wonder
Only time will tell

and we all know how patient of person I am.
How long must I wait?
Forever, forever.
Maybe not.
Oncce again

only time will tell.

Breakup stuff?

GAH. 11 PAGES OF CHEM AND IT'S HARDDDD. x__x;

So yeah. Life is life, cruising along as usual. Yeh. It's pretty good except stupid FINALS WEEK GRRR is coming up. Man, I can't wait for them to be OVARRRR. Dx

So what's been going on with my life?

Breakup after breakup. After breakup. So this is a shout out to everyone that's going through the pain.

You're not alone. Seriously, don't even think that for a second. You have plenty of amazing friends here that will support you through thick and thin and who will seriously go and kick the crap out of this person if you asked them too. Who love you to death and would love to see you smile.

People understand how you feel. Even a little. Alot of us know what it's like to be rejected. Don't even THINK we could never imagine. We can. I know how it feels to feel so goddamn useless and just a VOID of nothing when you lose love. It hurts so much you just want to crawl into some dark space and cry, just waiting for it to go away.

You will learn to love again. It might not be today. Or tomorrow. But you will. Your too fucking young to say you will never love again. You have no idea how many moments may pass you by and the person who truly cares and loves you could walk right by and your too fucking wrapped in your "HOMG I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN' to realize. And then it'll be too late.

I've been down that road. I thought I'd never ever ever be able to fall in love after... that. Fuck, I thought I'd never be HAPPY again. But bit by bit, I started to piece things together. I got my heart broken and survived. And I will fall in love again.

God, do you know what? Your letting them win by just... giving up! You're letting all the hate and despair in the world WIN! People wonder why this world can seem so dark and lonely... because they chose to shut out the light. Your going to love again. Might as well leave the door unlocked, or love will sneak through the back door and scare the shit out of you.

I can feel all this... dark energy. And sometimes I feel like I'm absorbing it, because hell I'm happy. But the darkness inside I've long concealed starts to crawl out sometimes. The one's that make me want to hide in my closet, in the dark by myself. That try to tell me how alone I am and how I will never be truly happy and how no one will ever love you enough to even glance your way...

Thankfully I can keep it at bay. But not without consequences.

We all have our scars. I can love again. But I can't believe anyone can. Maybe someday this will change. But it just. Doesn't. Compute.

I don't want the same thing to happen to me that happened to these people.

Just love love love love. Sometimes it's all you can do. The rest will run it's course.

IMSORTAHYPERK?

BECAUSE TOPH IS GOD. AND AANG NEEDS SOMEONE WITH BALLS TO BALANCE OUT THE RELATIONSHIP :D.

Taang is hot and you know it. Okay it's not hot, it's adorable. ZUTARA is hot. Forever. And ever. :D

Gawd, I've been listening to Hot n Cold by Katy Perry. CATCHIEST SONG EVER GAH. WHY. XD. And dude. Daily Show started up this week. OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU JON STEWART. AND ESPECIALLY JOHN OLIVER. Greatest English accent ever man.

Man I'm in a good mood.

So yeah. I got Bear a Princess Balloon for his birthday. :D. I was going to get a Dora one but... D:. Vons didn't have one. XD OH WELL. AND I FELL ASLEEP IN SPANISH. MAN AM I AWESOME. XD

Listening to Boys Like Girls lately. GREAT BAND GO LISTEN TO IT. Songs are really catchy and the words are wunderfullll :D. YOU ARE MY HEROINE. NO NOT THE DRUG. THAT'S ZUTARA. :D

.... EUTHEURHTIRJYJHTRKUJTY XD

Like you.

I will create my own happiness.
My happiness will depend on only me
and no one else.
I will live if they are not there.

I will open up my heart again.
Maybe it won't be tomorrow or in another week
But I will love again.
I will not give that person the luxury
of being my last love.

I will make my own dreams.
No one can tell me how my future is
that is my decision. No one else's.
I will be the one living it.

I will stand up for what's right.
Even when the world is against me
I will take a stand and I will fight
til the bitter end.

I will live everyday to it's fullest
because life is too short for sadness
and I won't waste my days in despair.

I won't be like YOU.

BONES IS AWESOME

Kay. So last day of break. Wunderful. T___T.

Ahahaha, watched 3 episodes of Bones tonight... MAN Hodgins & Angela are the cutest couple ever... And the writing is wonderful. Bones is ingenious. Seriously. And Zach makes every moment AWKWARD. YES. I LOVE MY ZACARONI. :D
-so did not still Cam's name for him and can't help it. It's too friggen adorable for him-

Volunteered at the Wild Animal Park yesterday. Man, it was loads of fun making animal masks for the little kids. I made 2. :D. Ben, Tony, Risu, Sam, and Dobby Tsui also went, but not volunteering. They were a blast though. I love my friends. Foreverrrr <3.

Yeah. So I was volunteering with my brother's boy scout troop, which left me in the company of little kids and preteen boys for... 5 hours. The horror right? Nah.. The little kids were adorable on how hard they worked on the masks. And the guys were... pinheads. I can deal with them though. Boys are all the same at that age. All they like are video games and pop culture stuff. Only later do they get to oogling at girls.

Except for that one 16 year old who was telling the world that he had made out with his girlfriend for 10 minutes. Yeah. WE SO WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG YOU PLAYED TONSIL HOCKEY WITH YOUR GF. IF SHE BREAKS UP WITH YOU, I WILL NOT BE SURPRISED.

Anyways. Yeahhhh. Apparently there was this one 8th grader who was being extra annoying / like my brother and apparently he now has a crush on me.

Man, what is with younger guys (mostly nerds XD) that have "crushes" on me. -rolls eyes-. I'm more like a guy with girly parts anyways. XD;

Talk more later. I want to get in another episode of Bones in before the night ends. :D

NOT HANDSOME ENOUGH TO TEMPT ME.

Watching Pride and Prejudice right now, so I'm probably going to space out.

Geh. I love the Darcy & Elizabeth dance. It's so TENSE. THE SEXUAL TENSION IS GREAT. >:D. But the Mr. Collins... AUGH I HATE HIM. HE'S SCARY T______T;;. He plays Beckett in the POTC movies. Which adds even more CREEPERNESS. D: CREEPER PERSONNNNN D:

So today I spent the day at the park with Ben Y, Bear, KC, Fujii, and Yang. It was alot of fun; playing cards, going to Jack in the Box.... I love my friends. I forgot how I missed them... D: <3.

So... Since Dobby Tsui was away (which was sadface), I walked there with Bear (lol, using boy nicknames so people don't know who it is. Except for Dobby Tsui LOLOL)... it was nice.... I kind of felt like I was in the song "Hey Stephen" by Taylor Swift. I was really happy you know?

And then when we were walking home, it was just me, Risu, and Bear. He offered to walk us til we got to near my house. Even though his house was alot closer...

I was pretty content... ahaha. Great way to spend New year's day.

Geh, I'm such a fool, such a fool, such a fool.