DARN THOSE NAVES.

I detest that I had to wake up early this morning for some dumb, useless college thing this morning. Plus I couldn't sleep last night. Blah. So annoying. :/. All the meeting did make me sad that I have (EXACTLY) 2 months before the majority of my college applications are due. THANKS BUNCHES. e___e.

Lol, Today I learned I'd make a terrible detective. :V. Hahaha, for serious.

... So yeah, I failed that APAH test today. XD. All the church interiors looks the same! It's so terrible. Dx. It's such a hard class yo.

Now I'm going to go collapse on a random... place. D:

This icebox where my heart used to be

This weekend was pretty terrible. Well not all terrible. I helped my brother 's eagle project, which was actually kinda fun, study, do alot of research for college stuff.

I found out alot of things too. Externally with my family, and internally. These past two months of high school have been surreal. I've become more rational, if that makes sense. My inner vulcan has been taking over more often, lol. xP.

I have quite a few irrational fears. Or one would consider irrational.

... I had to do it once I realized I couldn't trust him with what was on my mind anymore. I fear my own demons will eat me alive someday. I don't think anyone should be cursed with such a fickle burden as I. Even if I wish someone was. I seem perpetually lonely, even when surrounded. Or maybe especially when surrounded.

Because I'm afraid of not being able to love romantically. I am afraid I am beyond even my own salvation, or anyone else's. It sound so illogical, but it is the facts. I've disillusioned one too many times. Perhaps such feelings do not work magic on me anymore. What a shame.

but don't let her see.

The streets are quiet tonight.
It's a nice kind of quiet, you know.

The one where you'd just sit outside your house

and watch the sky go by.
Time time time

widdles away into infinity.
I'm not a loud person

as it may seem I am,
It's just a cop out.
Under the surface, there's alot of emotions
I just choose not to voice them.
Under the surface.
Under the surface.
Underneath this.
But that's okay.
It's my little secret who's

underneath.

Well me and the stars anyways.

leave when the wind blows

(Continuation of my possible future Avatar fic, so look back if you don't understand)

I feel inspired to write some Avatar related nonsense, so here it is.

The sun was setting as Zen and Asme had settled down and set up camp. A comfortable silence settled between the two as Asme tended to the meal, and Zen meditated. "...My mom tells me the years passed quicker after the war" Asme noted, as she continued to stir her soup. "I sometimes think she misses it. The excitement, the thrill. Sometimes I see that faraway look in her eyes, like she's in a different time, even though she's really here."

"My dad actually does the same." Zen let in a big breath, and let it out slowly. "He's been trapped in his duties ever since he... before he was my age. Even if Great Uncle did help him... I don't think he wanted to be the Fire Lord."

"I don't think my mom wanted to be a housewife either." Asme took the soup off the fireplace to let it cool. "I think she only settled down cause that's what my dad wanted. Maybe your dad became fire lord because he had too. I know we can't always get what we want but..."

"I don't want to be Fire Lord." A sort of awkward silence settled over the two after Zen's revelation. "I know it's my obligation but... I don't think I'm suited for it. And I see what my dad has to go through. Sometimes it seems he goes days without cracking a smile. He's always sullen. I don't want to be cooped up in a castle with useless advisors or generals or whatever. I want..."

Asme listened solemnly. She began serving the soup when Zen had finished. "We do what we have to. It's not always what we want, but..." She smiled sadly and handed her companion the bowl. "We make do with what we have."

It's no excuseeee :0

So I'm starting 2 new songs in piano. It's my last year, and I've been neglecting to practice cause I've been so busy, but I actually sort of like these songs, so that's why I actually practiced some today, lol. As sad as that sounds. I like to neglect my duties, what I can say. :D

One is pretty well known, For Elise by Beethoveen. I've played an abridged version of it before, but this is the full version... It's such a bittersweet song. Love it to pieces.

Two is Toccata by Kabalevsky. It's more of a contemporary song, and well... it's not as great as For Elise. But it's pretty intersting. All I've been able to play so far is the first part, which is mostly staccato, and almost the chords and patterns.

Gah, I'm such a freaking bad sight reader. It's almost criminal how bad I am. I suck at reading notes on short notice. How the hell did I get to advanced level of Piano theory then I wonder. Haha, my theory skillz are much better than my playing skillz. :B

Welp, should go to bed nao. Obai!
... btw, INSTEAD OF USING OIL TO POWER OUR CARS, WE MAKE ERASERS. AWESOME USE OF RESOURCES GUYS.
^ (Oversimplification of polymers, but well. Even my dad as an almost chemical engineer hated that class. So I doubt I'd get it if he explained it to me, lol)

THAT IS ALL

I need more imaginary friends. D:

Oh Lord, my shoulder is in so much pain right now. :<. My right shoulder is really messed up at the moment. It sucks. It really hurts to move it around... even driving is difficult! @__@.

So yesterday sucked major ass. I had a 3 page paper to do on Katrina and then to study for a APAH history test on Christian & Islamin art. HUMBUG I SAY. :V.

... so yeah I'm going to go work again. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

insomnia

<-- Nah, I'm good. This enlightenment thing is pretty filling if I do say so myself.

My life is a tragic poem.
I sorta think everyone's is.
After all that's happened,
I think I've finally been able to find myself.
Under all these layers

And you know what?
I kinda like the way I am.
But

I need to change some things.
No more lies.
I won't lie to anyone

about my feelings.
Unless they don't deserve
my honesty.
One person in the world

right now

really deserves

my honesty, I mean.
And I'm sure

they won't like it

once they hear it.

haha I'm a weirdo.

Random things that probably no one knows about me:

- I'm a pop culture junkie. Magazines like People, Entertainment Weekly, TV Guide, I love them all. Even though I really only follow 2 tv shows, Glee & Bones (the daily show does not count, haha), I love reading about the awards, what's happening, etc etc.
- I have encyclopedic knowledge on pretty useless things. Like I just spent all of today reading about the first series of the Twilight Zone. I'm probably going to remember this for the rest of my life. o__o.

Bah so busy. Watching BSG. Go away. XP

her diamonds falling down

Just going to post some quotes I find & post my opinion on them. Both serious and non serious. Believe me, you'll know when I'm being for realz.

"We create the illusions we need to go on. And one day, when they no longer dazzle or comfort, we tear them down, brick by glittering brick, until we are left with nothing but the bright light of honesty. The light is liberating. Necessary. Terrifying. We stand naked and emptied before it. And when it is too much for our eyes to take, we build a new illusion to shield us from its relentless truth."
(Haha, what a pesstimistic quote. But if you think about it, it's true. Then again, truth doesn't really exist. Truth is what you make it to be, unless they're material. Like the truth in the laws of gravity. Sorry hun, they're real. I wanna fly too, but well. :[)

"Sometimes you gotta get fucked up to feel sober, cry to see clear, and fall down a hundred times before you learn to pick yourself up again."
(It's true. I'm tired of people thinking they're fine without getting over a damn thing. Fine then. I hope you live in denial for the rest of your life. I'll go live in this current reality and watch my Daily Show)

"my theory is that if you look confident; you can pull off anything; even if youhave no clue what youre doing."
(Ahahaha, this is partly true I suppose. But when you look confident and you mess up terribly? Mass lulz ahead).

"I guess you do learn a lot in high school.. I`m not talking about math, english, or biology. I`m talking about life.You learn who your friends are, you learn love. You learn what you want in life, & mostly you learn who the real you is."
(WHAT ABOUT HISTORY?! HISTORY IS IMPORTANT. FOR SERIOUS. AND WHAT ABOUT PHYSICS. AND CHEMISTRY. AND PE. RAWRRRRR.)

& it is

Life is about
living for all those who have come before you
leaving something worth remembering
Loving and being loved in return
& Laughing everyday.
So don't take it for granted.
It's okay to be sad.
Just remember though.
The world moves without you.

Bah, what a stressful day. :<

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Swim practice is going to kill me I just know it. :V. 3:15 to 7 on Tuesdays and Thursdays?! That's really crazy. @__@. Plus Dan will probably kick me out of Gold group cause I can't possibly make Wednesday practice. At all. I have to go to to Piano practice at 3:50ish to make there for the 4:15 lesson, leave at 5:15... I mean that's like the entire practice!!! What am I supposed to do! But I can't tell him I have other priorities outside of swimming... He'll just get mad at me...

Plus, my shoulder's been hurting. It's only a dull pain, but it hurt like hell during one 50 of backstroke. Hopefully I didn't hurt anything.

Ugh, I spent like the last couple of hours working on WHAP and Gov. No time to work on APAH. I'll do it on Friday or this weekend. :/. Even though I'm extremely busy in that time too. Plus I've got to start writing the essays for colleges, apply for scholarships, start working a little to get some money to save up...

-sigh-. Oh well. Ya gotta keep going. ^^

BADGER BADGER

So I spent the weekend up with my relatives. I'm glad, you know. It's been awhile since I've seen them. My grandma was doing alot better than she has been doing for the past few... um... months I suppose is the word. Saw my cousin too. And alot of my uncles and aunts. Had a huge chinese food feast, lol.

Today, we went up to the beach and ate at Sloopy's. Loveeee their raspberry shakes. I could have a million and still love them. <3

Then we went up to play Tank Girl. It was supposed to be Call of Cthulhu, but the GM wanted to try this game out. I played a ninja dingo named bob. It was awesome. >:D. We snuck into a chocolate factory pretending to be a celebratory band group, but we were really stealing chocolate from them (you won't get it unless you know the tank girl universe). So my dingo sneaks in and steals a case of chocolate, but finds this secret door. So we regroup (after spiking the punch. >:D) and we found some prisoners and freed them. Yeah you guessed it. They were using the prisoners to make chocolate. Yuck.

... yeah. Btw, Glass Badger to sneak into places ftw. THEY'D NEVER SEE US IN THERE. >:D
... well what else are you supposed to make a badger out of in a desert world? Yeah I thought so. Punk.

one year since then.

So it's been 1 year since today.
1 year.

I don't know, I just can't believe an entire year has passed since then. That day is fleeting in my mind, you know. It's always there. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I had that week. For several reasons, but this was definetly worst.

If only, if only, if only.