How did it end up like this

I'm exhausted. I don't know why, I'm just plain tired... I think I've been staying up too late or something, I dunno. Maybe swim practice. Either way, I'm having trouble sleeping, but I'm exhausted. what the heck.

I... don't know. I guess I've just been so... I don't know what the word for it is. Just well..... conflicted I guess. I feel terrible. I've been told I shouldn't but I can't help it. I just..... need this resolved as soon as possible. Because it's really starting to get to me I think. I should. I need to. But I can't. I don't know. When I'm with him, I totally forget. Like I want to remain in limbo forever or something. I just... I... I...

I don't know. I need sleep.