I swear that you don't have to go

(haha, I kind of gave up on the... the 30 day thing. I'm too damn lazy).

Usually, I'm always in a good mood nowadays. Today, well, it just wasn't one of those days. Maybe it was my brother bitching about his wisdom teeth, maybe it was seeing my piano teacher again when I really didn't want to, I dunno.

You know what pisses me off? When I think about love. When I think about love and how maybe someday it mihgt pertain to me. Sure, I joke with my family about marriage, but when I get down to it, I don't think I want it.

I don't really want to love someone. I don't want to ever be in love. Irrational, stupid as that sounds. Love makes you do things. To love someone, to be IN love with someone, I have to trust them. I have to tell them things. Things I don't tell my family, things I don't tell my friends, things I don't tell anyone. Things I don't like to talk about.

I don't want to tell anyone about these things.

While everyone else has this fear that they'll be alone for the rest of their lives, I'm the polar opposite. I don't want to fall in love. They can have any I find. I don't even know why I just can't talk anymore. I used to tell anyone, everyone, about was going on in my head. What was really bothering me. I think it was last year. Other people had problems. Maybe I didn't tell her, because I didn't want to talk about it.

Maybe, I dunno, I don't care how much I love you as a friend, I just don't like saying my problems out loud. What really bothers me. I don't even know why anymore. Maybe it was even earlier. Maybe it started with him. Him.

I can't even talk about him anymore. I have no idea how many people know about him. I barely knew him. I don't even remember what he looked like, what his face was. But I remember other things. Other faces, other emotions, other things all pertaining to him.

I think it was him. Maybe with his help, I've become this.

Your ridiculous if you think I'm talking about some romantic notion. This is much more scarring than any.

I hate it when people think when I talk about broken hearts, they it's love. What if it was death.

I wish I could of had my license. I never wanted to change the past. But if I could, I'd drive to his house before. He wouldn't do it. Wouldn't. Couldn't. I wish I could tell him how much he is loved, what life would be like without him. I wish I could cut that rope. I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.


Wishing only wounds the heart.