How to save a life.

I wish you were the worst person in the fucking world. I wish you would have treated me like shit. Like I deserve to be. Maybe then I wouldn't flinch when I see you, and struggle whether I even want to see you, or if I want to run away.

Maybe that's why I ran away then. I hate thinking about this. I hate it, but I feel like there's some reel in my fucking head to a movie I used to love, but I can't watch it anymore because it's too painful, but the TV won't turn off. I wish you would have chased after me. Back then, maybe if... I probably could of been convinced otherwise. Or did you feel the same as me? Now I look back and wondered why I didn't even try talking. And I always know why I didn't.

I'm too far gone. I've always been too far gone. I don't know why I thought I could. I wanted to believe I could I guess. That I could give someone something that didn't feel worthless. I don't think I can.

You are the reason I want to get the fuck out here. I never want to see you again because it causes me too much pain. I want to just run away, get out. Just get out and erase all those good memories from my head. The ones that are always in the back of my head. I love them and I hate them, love hate love hate love hate love hate hate hate.

Don't get near me, Don't ever look my way, just go away. I'm trying to be strong, you see. I hate being weak. I hate feeling like I'm about to break under all the pressure that mounds up in my body. Sometimes I wish I could go six feet under, or just disappear from the face of the planet, and I wonder if anyone would notice, or care.

It's hard to think sometimes. Because they come back and I can't stand it. I wonder if you can't stand thinking about it too. Probably not. You probably don't think about it at all. But I do. I do I do I do I do I do I do I do. I wish they'd go away. Usually it's not bad though. Usually it's just a flash. A flash of bittersweet uncomfortability. Now it just overflows and I knew this would happen.

I want to disappear. Turn into nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.