my experience with relationships

I'm going to talk about something that's a little difficult for me. Only a little though, so it's ok. I probably should of got this off my chest a long time ago. Maybe cause then I cared about what people would think if they read this. Now I don't care / no one reads this anyways.

When I first met him, I really didn't meet him. It was at comic con 2008. He was just part of some cosplay group my friends hung out with. Honestly, I didn't want to hang out with them. I had no idea who they were. I just kind observed them. This was the beginning of the 'Dramacons' as I like to call it. Since this group of people brought on so much drama with my friends, I just decided to hang out with another group.

But I digress. My friends pointed him out to me, and he had no emotion on his face. He looked mad, angry. I made a mental note to keep away from him.

When I found out he was the guy my friend liked, I didn't understand it. We barely knew him - yet it was the deepest I'd ever seen her get into someone. I really didn't understand what was so great about a guy who couldn't smile.

A few months passed. I got to know them better - at least some of that group. Since my friend started going out with him. Then, I thought he was ok. Once again, no real opinion on him. I started to get to know him better, as well as his friend, which everyone I knew was like "BLAH BLAH HE'S SO ANNOYING AND DESPERATE". I dunno, he had never tried to 'make a move' on me. But I hadn't really known him then. He wasn't bad, I didn't understand why everyone disliked him. And why everyone thought he was better.

All I knew him through was random debates we'd have over Facebook. That I recall.

I got to see a side of my friend I never really saw. But I don't really recall much. I was still the closest I'd ever been to love with someone. Deeply delusional I must say, but I won't lie when back then, that person was my world.

I think it was around the beginning of 2009 things started falling apart for people. I just remember depression surrounding everyone. I won't lie, it was annoying since I'd gone through my teenage angst back freshman year. Or at least the intense shit. Even though this lifted for some people, in one it remained. I didn't really understand it. I still got to know him better, but once again, I don't really recall. Mostly I remember arguements over facebook about useless things. Maybe the beach falls into this category. I don't really remember...

I don't know when it was - I had started getting over that one boy, and I started noticing him. I didn't really understand it. It wasn't anything serious, but I was annoyed with myself. 'Why does this always happen to me? Liking guys I can't have?' But life moved on.

What I do remember, is texting him for the first time, trying to get him to guess who I was. We'd started a somewhat conversation, then it died. More Facebook debating. Then one day, during Calc BC, after the AP tests. I was incredibly bored and lonely as we walked to Albertsons. So I pulled out my phone, and thought of who to text. I knew I could text my best friend, as she ALWAYS texted during class. As I scrolled through the names, I saw his. And I thought why not.
Then began the most epic texting conversations I have ever seen. I remember that day, we talked about cereal, chicken, and ice cream. We'd text alot during those days. Epic texts that went WAYYY over 150 characters, haha. So long, they'd have to be delivered in 3. Maybe the beach came here. Once again, I don't remember. The beach is when I gave him my hat. My precious hat I got from my onii chan, since I felt bad that my friend stole his. I loved that hat. I hope he did too.

During that texting, I told him alot. More than I've told alot of people. It was nice trusting someone with the things I kept hidden inside. I gradually began to like him more and more. And while doing so, I started to push myself away from my friend. I don't think I was conscious of it then, but I guess I was distancing myself from the guilt I felt.

I remember the del mar faire. My friend leaving in the middle since she was feeling sick. I remember going on so many rides it made my head spin. And I remember him dropping me and my best friend off, and him giving me a red panda plushie. I remember that when we had gone to the Wild Animal Park, he'd bought one. I love red pandas - I had pleaded for it, jokingly of course. He'd refused... and then now he was giving it to me. As he and his friend drove away. My mind was reeling. I didn't understand what was happening. Why would he give it to me? What does this mean? Silly overthoughts that swirled my head. I remember my best friend telling me, "oh he must like you." and other sweet shit. I didn't care. I didn't want to think anyone could ever care for me.

Time progressed. I loved that summer. I remember my best friend and her cousin texting him asking him if he thought I was cute. Which I'm not going to lie, was annoying. I remember sparring compliments that made my heart feel weird, things that felt like lies, no matter who said it. I remember sneaking out and going to Up with him. (that movie made me cry so hard, but I love it XD). I remember alot of texting.

Then it was Comic Con again. Great year of comic con. I didn't me my friend alot, since my best friend was kind of having a feud with her. I remember so many awesome things, haha. But specifically about him? I remember waiting in line for Mythbusters signing with him. I remember being so tired at the end of the day, I'd take off my wig and cap and just curl up in a ball, and he'd pat me on the head. I remember randomly talking to him, stealing his headband and wearing it. I remember stealing his youhei weapon. It felt like a rifle in my hand, sweet nostalgia.

I remember glomping him since he was cosplayed as Youhei. Since I adored Youhei the character. And, I'll admit, it was an excuse to hug him.

I think it was the day after comic con he asked me out. I didn't know what to do. My mind was still telling me no one could ever like me. Eventually, I told him yes, over the phone, with the guidance of my best friend.

5 days later I told my friend. She went ballistic, as I expected. I had agonized for the entire week what to say and how she'd react, much to reassurance of him that it'd be fine. And when it finally came, I decided I didn't give a shit anymore. I logged off, I was gone. It was mostly fault - it had been me pushing her away as a friend until the string I had to break to severe the ties was too thin. I didn't care about the consequences anymore.

When school came around, I hung out with different people, different friends. I went out with him, things were fine. And then I began to change. Things happened and I began to realize myself more and more. And I realized I was being unfair to him.

I began to realize I could no longer tell him everything as I had before. And I knew he was beginning to care for me more and more, while I was staying the same, regardless of how much time was passing. And then I broke it off. We tried to be friends until I finally convinced myself it'd be easier for both of us if I just stopped talking to him. So there ended our texting conversation.

There are things that drove me away from him. Things inside of me. One - religion. He was very religious, and his family invited me to church. It wasn't bad... it's just... I have a thing with religion. For me, I don't want to believe in it. I felt like he was trying to sort of force me on it, and I couldn't. I could never start going to Church when I had never gone before. I could never accept religion because of what I believe in, and things that have happened to me.

He was far too nice and sensitive. I had really liked him for this, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change that about him, not in a million years. But as he cared more and more, I wasn't feeling the same. He'd text me, and I wouldn't want to text back. He cared enough to introduce me to his family. Me? I found myself trying to think of reasons why not to meet mine.

And I had changed. Before I was completely weak. No self confidence, always in a cloud of darkness which I'd keep secret from all. But then, after the whole explosion of what had happened, with different peers, different classes, different views, I was beginning to become someone different. And that someone was beginning to drift apart from him, even if he wasn't aware of it.

My feelings weren't growing. I couldn't lie to myself or him. That I cannot do.

I still stand by my statement that true love doesn't exist. True love is a terrible thing to wish on someone. What if that person is no longer there? What do you do then? Can you no longer love? There are just different kinds of loves. Looking back, I wish I could of loved him. Maybe I should of given him more of a chance. But in the end, I know the end would have been the same. I will always care about him, but I can never go back.

I am a far different person of that who was back then. I'm no longer weak, I'm no longer worried about what the future will bring, I no longer care about things that don't matter. I've probably degraded in some eyes, but I've never been happier, oddly enough.

And so ends my account of all my dealings with relationships. I cannot say it was a pleasant story, but I feel the ending has been happy for at least one party. Time went on, and so must we.